Recently, I wrote about receiving a sign, and about yielding. You can catch up on that post here.
What I’ve realised since then is that though I may be willing to acknowledge the sign in the sky, and though I feel broadly clued in to what the sign points to, I am well and truly stuck as far as my desire to do the work of yielding to it.
There are boulders in the way, I rolled some of them there. I’m good at that. It’s a protection mechanism. A lifelong habit.
Yielding is hard work.
Hard. Hard. Hard. Yukky, uncomfortable, revealing, vulnerability making work. Ugh. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE in the opposite direction kind of work!
Too big, and too hard for me right now.
The way I’m wired is deliciously contradictory, because I find myself wanting to simultaneously gather myself up in a protective embrace, and whisper words of encouragement to my heart (gentle voice #1), as well as wanting to viciously berate myself, shame myself, and ridicule my inability to just yield and get the fuck on with things (harsh voice #2).
So I search for balance, and it is deeply uncomfortable at times. I know that I *could* be doing more to get myself unstuck, but I also know that if I push myself because of voice #2, the harsh taskmaster that still occasionally pipes up and causes me grief, the whole damn house of cards (not really, but it’s a great metaphor) will come tumbling down.
So, I yield, for now, to being unyielding.
I strain my being to listen to voice #1 as she offers me compassion and patience.
And in that way, I yield more deeply, ever so incrementally. I yield to compassion towards myself. Again.
In this place, where the movement towards choosing to yield is imperceptibly slow, and sometimes just a dream, I must find my light. I must stand resolutely in it. I must, must, must continue to look up. I must resist voice #2, actively.
I may never stop learning this primal lesson, these first tiny steps, the initial dance of, I see you sign, and I read you, but I will go NO further… knowing that eventually I will most likely yield a little more, allow a little more of the light I stand in to permeate my inner world, because I want to live purposefully. I want to know myself more deeply. I want to be increasingly free. I do.
I just wanted to tell someone that.
I am unyielding, but I am not dead yet.
I am unfinished, and though I may not have the courage to do the work today, or tomorrow, I can celebrate all that’s behind me, all the lessons, all the victories, and I know how very far I’ve come.
Here I am.
Chin up. Head tilted back. Standing in my light.
Are you standing in yours?
8 thoughts on “Unyielding”
Very interesting and I know you are not alone.
I was ‘stuck’ earlier this year in such a fear-based mental outlook that I could not travel in the car on the M1 (motorway) go with B in the car or even envisage seeing my Dad in Sydney.
Truly stuck by fear and the ‘what ifs’ and very demanding and scared me. Inside.
I was pushed and pulled this way and that as both my psychologist and husband said I needed to ‘expose’ that fearful person to a little of what she is scared of and keep on doing so. Over time.
I hated the name ‘exposure therapy’ even though it is a psychological term so re-named it “personal challenges” because I quite like challenges it seems to align with the competitive nature I have. Which I now also admit to!!
Then April arrived and I “had” to get the front teeth attached to the bridge in my mouth out. Cue: fear but I had to get this done. Personal challenge accepted and very much with the help of medication, meditation and a great spouse and dentist..achieved. The success of this venture enabled me to garner the strength based on the experience to drive to Sydney by myself to see Dad. Excellent. But then, BIGGEST of all…the cancer diagnosis in mid May gave me no choice other than to Do It. Had to go to Sydney into the unknown of the new hospital, surgeons etc and in the car with B meant I was not in charge. Nailed it. Mostly with the help of some drugs & loo stops. And, to be honest, each week and day now seems to be a little more ‘exposure therapy’ based and I know I am feeling MUCH happier and have far fewer convos inside my head with Ms Negative and Fearful. She did however pop in this week for about 2 days and she was not welcomed but I took into account my tiredness and my attitude of being a bit over being a cancer patient. I slept on the negatives as I recognised that tiredness and coming towards the end of the current recovery would part of it and today went very well. It is a push-me pull-you kind of existence but I know which part I am liking more now..the me on this side of the huge challenge! Good luck to you as you continue too. D x
You’ve leapt over some pretty big hurdles in the past few years Denyse!!
This has been a big year for you, Annette. I think you’re doing good and I’m a fan of slow and steady progress in any area, along with questioning, remembering and making new moves. Be gentle with yoursef. Listen to voice #1. I’m keen on her x
I’m keen on her too. She’s definitely the one I want to hear from more. Thanks Edie xx
I think you know what you need and you’re being honest. Isn’t that the best we can do? Be true to ourselves?
Take a break, sit and plateau that’s smart. We can’t have our hearts and emotions out in the wind if they’re not ready. Hold on and embrace yourself tightly. In time the work will do itself, quietly – it knows you’re into it.
And keep on baking…man I have got to get baking. Keep inspiring with those loaves.
Such good advice. Thanks Fran xx
I love this because it reconfirms that we don’t always have to be brave all the time. I don’t think there is a single person who would completely abandon their fears and fly forward; it’s just not normal human behaviour.
Only the other day I was thinking about some crap I need to sort out, to deal with, because I do believe that just letting it sit under the surface is actually holding me back in lots of ways. I recognise that, but I don’t feel strong enough to work through the messy shit. I’ll get there, same as you. We are doing exactly what is right for our selves right now. xx
We sure are Collette. We sure are!!
Things take time, time to wound, time to percolate, then we have to see them, consider them, poke them a bit, leave them, return to them, check our bravery tank, wait a bit more, wade in, rush out, and round and round we go. It’s okay, incrementalism is allowed. I think it’s the best way to make lasting changes. Bit by bit.
Here’s to topping up our tanks, so that when we are ready, we have the reserves we need. ❤️❤️❤️