“Don’t it feel like the wind is always howlin?
Don’t it seem like there’s never any light??
Once a day, don’t you wanna throw the towel in?
It’s easier than puttin’ up a fight…”
Everything I ever needed to know, or put into song, can be found in the musical ANNIE.
Today was one of those days – a day where I felt very much like one of those scruffy but vocally talented orphans in the chorus… stuck in a “hard knock life” loop. Negative, frustrated, damn cranky and teetering on throwing a very exclusive pity party – table for one.
I couldn’t stop thinking about unfair, unjust, fucked up stuff – from the utter buffoons “running” our country to the incredibly annoying insurance salesman who really tested my patience today.
Then there’s the profound injustice of people being in excruciating pain – pain from devastating losses, pain caused by health issues that seem to have no end in sight, the pain of having to let go of dreams that haven’t been or won’t be realised – in relationships, families, careers, in simply feeling at peace. It can be hard to ignore the naysayers and doomsday prophets filling up the airwaves with their gloom and fear-mongering.
And thanks to the web, it seems to be par for the course that we now can get virtually spewed on online, by people who feel the need to chuck a fit and throw passive-aggressive shit around on social media, and then act utterly bewildered that they’ve caused a ruckus. “Just saying” doesn’t make mean, bitchy, bound to offend comments okay. Just saying!!
I was in danger of being swallowed whole by it today. Ugh. Not a good place to be.
And the worst part – joining in seems all too easy. If everyone else can chuck a tantrum, I’ll chuck one too!!
I had to take myself out for a drive today, before my head imploded with too many cranky thoughts.
As I literally headed for the hills, my mind was swirling with things to blog about – how unfair life can be, how shattered I am for people I know who are in the middle of massive storms, how completely powerless I feel knowing there’s nothing I can do or say to change those things. Then there’s the more immediate and personal – I feel dispirited and sick of being resilient about looking for work… blah blah blah. Yeah – this stuff is guaranteed to be a winning blog post!!
A strange thing happened, as I got through the afternoon traffic and hit the climb into the hills.
As the store fronts and “you need more crap in your life” signage gave way to ferns and weatherboard houses, to steep gravel driveways and less cars on the road, my blood pressure evened out.
Almost against my will I noticed the beautiful spring blossoms, the colour of the sky, the canopy of trees sheltering me.
Has the drive changed anything? No. Shit is still shit. But by getting up off the couch and letting my brain ramble through all the shitty thoughts, I am not itching for an argument like I was an hour ago. I’m not in fight stance in my head.
I am still heartbroken and fed-up about some things, that’s inevitable. In fact, it’s really a good thing, because it shows that I care.
A drive into the hills doesn’t make the politicians or the narcissists change, but today it changed something much more important – my attitude.
And it changed the soundtrack in my head – less “full of sorrow life, no tomorrow life” and more of the awesome dance break in “We got Annie!”
What’s playing on the soundtrack in your head?