Ever had one of those days when you find yourself fumbling around in your wardrobe for that special pair of ill-fitting, uncomfortable, hard to get off once you’ve got them on pantaloons, more commonly known as cranky pants? Unfortunate staple of most people’s wardrobes, and hopefully worn occasionally at most, rarely at best…. you’re not alone, dear reader, you’re not alone.

Though style blogs abound, they are mostly happy places where bad mood styling is rarely mentioned. I am here to right that wrong, to blow the lid off the fallacy that clothes always make you happier.

Once you’ve worked up a sweaty brow, wriggling into your crankies, your styling conundrum begins. What should you wear them with? Here are my top three ‘style’ tips for your sartorial and snarky pleasure.

1. The cranky pant can look very fetching with the hoodie of huffiness.
The hoodie only comes in a few colours – black (obvs), used-to-be-black-but-I-haven’t-washed-it charcoal and oxblood red (not in a fashion-y way). Said hoodie has multiple pockets where you can stow your list of ‘those who must die, by mind control, within the next 2 minutes’, balled up tissues if your overly tight pants de crank cause your eyes to leak, or even a small weapon. The hoodie’s hood is perfectly oversized, so you can assume the look of a sullen teenager, well into your 50s. It is absolutely verboten to try and make your pastel, fun, off-to-the-gym hoodie a substitute for the hoodie of huffiness, as it will destroy your workout mojo for months. Hoodies are also the perfect fashion choice if you have to bring in the bins, and the urge to kick the neighbour’s new car or beloved pet overtakes you.

2. Undies sans effective elastic can be a perfect foundation garment for your cranky pants ensemble. 
This combo isn’t for amateurs. To wear a tight, ill-fitting pair of crankies, while a pair of undies (circa 1996) mysteriously slide off your arse takes equal parts skill and panache. This combo is sure to cause you to humiliate yourself in public, should you be forced to venture out for milk, which some idiot child/housemate is bound to have finished and put back INTO THE FRIDGE – EMPTY. As you wind your way around kamikaze unmanned shopping carts, crying kids and other cranky pant wearing shoppers, you will have to work a hand down the side of your pants, hitch up the failing undies, while navigating older shoppers (bless them) who think the end of the aisle, with cart stopped on the diagonal, is a great place to peruse their shopping lists trying to remember if they need more bloody cornflour! (You’ll be so aggravated you won’t even care that the sentence describing your epic quest was stupidly long.) Again I warn you, the loosey-goosey panties (god I hate that word) and cranky pants combo is not to be trifled with. Experienced cranks only.

3. The cranky pant is mostly a day wear choice, but for evenings, a sequinned tank is just the ticket. 
If you’ve got to take your crank out on the town, there’s nothing more confusing to your fellow theatre-goers, charity auction bidders or at bingo night with the in-laws (extreme danger warning) than a jangly, sparkly, I’m happy with my upper arms fashion story, while your downstairs is writhing in discomfort. The sequins should be bigger than fifty cent pieces, badly stitched, and tonally speaking, bruise-yellow, or wrong for your skin tone red is best, to really create a strong contrast to your unrecognisable, stained, atomic wedgie giving cranky pants. And definitely cuff those bad boys ‘ex-boyfriend’ style, and wear a size-too-small shoe with a thick ankle strap – just trust me on this one.

If you follow these style guidelines, you’re bound to elevate yourself from a quiet, temporary case of the NQRs to a global paparazzi magnet, capturing you chucking a ‘time out’ worthy hissy fit, as you unload groceries, or yell at traffic lights or skulk around the cul-de-sac in your hoodie. If you look at photos of celebs growling at tabloid vultures, sorry, top-notch photographers, you’ll notice the pants all look similarly sinister and ill-fitting.

Come back next week for my ‘Which oil is best for easing yourself out of cranky pants’ column – you’ll be surprised – it ain’t organic EVOO, that’s for shizzle.